Movie Theater Exorsism Needed
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
I have a movie theater curse.
I haven't been able to enjoy a movie peacefully in a long time. I tend to sit in front of the "I'll kick the chair every 2 minutes" person, or in front, behind, or beside the guy that has to explain everything
to his girlfriend or friends. For example, when someone gets stabbed with a knife and a red liquid pours from the wound, the boyfriend is kind enough to loudly say "that is blood." You don't say?
I'm not a movie goer snob. On the contrary. When I go to the movies, I turn off my brain and just sit, almost drooling, to absorb whatever is thrown at me. I didn't know that Bruce Willis was dead in The Sixth Sense
; I didn't figure out Kevin Spacey was Keyser Söze in The Usual Suspects
; I was surprised that the planet in Planet of The Apes
was...Earth all along.
Going to the movies is a simple concept: you pay, you sit, you watch. The social contract stipulates that "thou shall not kicketh the chair in front or talketh during the movie." So I have to wonder why I have this problem. Is everyone's movie experience the same as mine?
I must be the one attracting all the kickers and talkers. Maybe, it's part of my gravitational field. I'm like the Sun and these people are my planets and I can't get rid of them.
I have theory, however, that may shine a light in my artificial-movie-theater darkness. I like to sit where the screen is right in the center of my field of view, and as far back as 1/4 of the way from the last row of chairs. This guarantees me the perfect experience: not too far to the left or too far to the right that I will have to turn my head around, and not too far back or too close to the screen that I will have to move my head up or down. What I look for is a neutral neck position so that my brain is not thinking, just sitting there...mushing...like potatoes.
As it happens, a lot people like to follow my perfect formula to find a good movie seat. I don't know how they found it, but they know. Oh, they know. Sharing the perfect movie experience is not a problem for me. I, however, have a problem with them being noisy and inconsiderate.
Once or twice I have had to turn around and politely ask that the kicking be stopped. This makes me feel old. But it's not old age. I just want to be entertained peacefully. It's not too much to ask.
I know what you mean. I recently went to see "The Watchmen", a fairly heavy R-Rated movie with a fair amount of sex and violence. Only to share the theater with 2 infants and a five-your-old.
During the rape scene, he turned to his mother and, very loudly said, "Momy, what's he doing?" in a very worried voice...